Since my last post, life has been a little crazy with work, school, trying to schedule doctors appointments in other cities to get second opinions, and all the other commitments I have going on. In the couple of weeks following Ana’s doctor appointment, I have spent a lot of time crying and worrying, but today I want to write about the silver linings.
The day I took Ana to Children’s Hospital for her appointment, I ran into a friend who was on her way out of the doctors office as we were walking in. A few weeks earlier her child was playing on the floor in front of us and she asked me if I had noticed that his head tilted to one side. I said no but asked her to show me. She picked him up and showed me how it tilted very slightly to one side, and told me that when she lays him down he always rolls to the same side. Knowing what I know about the spine and early onset scoliosis, I told her that it was probably nothing to worry about, but that if I were her, I would get it checked out just to be sure. Two weeks later, I see her walking out of Ana’s orthopedic surgeons office right before our appointment. I knew that she was there to get him checked, but wasn’t sure what news she had gotten. I approached her to say hi and asked how her son was doing. She immediately started to cry and told me that he had been diagnosed with early onset scoliosis. Having been there and knowing what that feels like, I gave her the space cry, and be scared and worried about her son. She kept apologizing to me because she knew that Ana’s case is more severe than her son’s, but I told her to stop that and to just let herself be upset. She had just gotten big scary news and didn’t know what the outcome would be for her son. No matter how small, or big our diagnoses are, they are always gut wrenching when it’s your own child.
When it comes to the difficulties we all deal with, it can be easy to compare our pains, or our struggles and quantify them as better or worse than what others are going through. As Teddy Roosevelt once said, comparison is the thief of joy. I would go one step further and say that comparison is just a straight up thief! Comparison not only steals joy, but it also steals our ability to grieve when we need to, to fall apart when we need to, to cry when we need to, and to ask for help when we need to. After the many personal and family trials that I have been through, I have come to believe every trial that we go through is tailored specifically to help us become the best version of us that we can be, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t REALLY HARD! Be compassionate with yourself and know that you are doing the best you can with what you have been given, and that it’s okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, or just cry! I probably cried for two days straight after we got the news about Ana’s surgery, and I had to keep reminding myself that it was okay to do that. I needed to feel all the worry, the fear, the anxiety and the pain of knowing that my daughter is going to experience something difficult and that I might not know what to do to help her through that. It was only by experiencing all of that emotion that I was able to come out as a functioning human on the other side. And let me tell you, for two days I was most definitely not a functioning human.
As I sat in the hospital talking to my friend about her son, we acknowledged how that in a city of 600,000 people, it was not a coincidence that we ran into each other that day. I knew that God had put me at that location at that exact time so that I could comfort my friend as she went through some of the same things I experienced when Ana was first diagnosed three years ago. I went into our appointment feeling grateful that I was able to be in the right place at the right time to comfort a friend. Little did I know that she would be the one comforting me just a few hours later. After my appointment she text me to see what the news had been about Ana. I told her about the surgeries and she said, “You know, when I saw you today I thought it was just for me. But a few hours after I got home I felt like it was for both of us and that’s why I texted you. I’m so glad I did.” The next day, she and another friend brought over a little gift basket for me with a sweet card reminding me that Ana and I were both super strong girls and that we would get through this trial. The following day another friend offered to bring me dinner on a day when I was crying so hard in the car that I couldn’t get it together enough to go into the grocery store. That weekend I had signed up to take a coaching class. On the final day I stepped out to use the restroom and when I had come back everyone was already partnered up. I ended up with a woman named Carrie who I hadn’t worked with yet. We were practicing process coaching, which is where you just sit with someone in their emotions, positive or negative. I was still feeling emotional about Ana, so I went first and decided to share about her surgeries. When the time was up, she told me that we must have been meant to be together for this exercise, because Carrie had had spine surgery when she was 12 years old and had rods and screws in her back. I immediately burst into tears and we held hands as she told me about her experience of getting surgery and wearing a brace throughout middle school. She told me that she had always wished that she had had her surgery at a younger age so that she wouldn’t have gotten made fun of so much in middle school. Hearing her perspective made me so grateful because I had not even thought of it this way before. Even though it is scary and dangerous, there are also many blessings to Ana having her surgery at a younger age than I had thought of before our conversation.
The experiences I have had over the past few weeks have shown me that there really is a silver lining to every cloud. Even in the face of so much sadness and worry, it is so heartening to know that God is watching out for all of us and putting the right people in the right places to support us and lift us up, right when we need it the most. Thank you to all of my friends and family, and the wonderful strangers that I met a few weekends ago who reached out, texted, and called to offer support or prayers. We appreciate and love all of you!